This is my journey of understanding

The sun is always shining behind the clouds no matter what weather we deal with before we get to see it.

I’m at a point in my life where I  have reached a kind of basic level of understanding for why I have reached the place I’m at now. I’m not in a bad place, nor is it the best right now. It’s been a rollercoaster, and I’ve never understood it fully though I’ve done a damned good job of pretending I have. It’s time for me to be fully aware, and I know the only way forward on this journey is to write about it. Write the memories, thoughts, feelings as they pop into my overly anxious head. Maybe playing it all out this way will help me. I was diagnosed with PTSD almost 11 years ago. I have lived with it and pretended I was fine after diagnosis…believed I was fine. I haven’t been fine. I’ve used it to help other people at the detriment of myself. People who know me think im strong. People are shocked when I open up about my anxiety, which can be so debilitating its difficult to get out of bed. I force myself for my daughter, and the strength I show her even when I feel i can’t is the same I paint to most people this is my talent. I can fake I am not in a battle with emotional torture to those around me so well, that I’ve convinced myself at so many times over the years. The truth is I am my own worst enemy. My inner dialogue can be so abusive to myself. An abuse that isn’t discussed as the perpetrator is you. Abusers hide things well. People living with anxiety and depression who don’t want people to know can have this same characteristic. This is a recent epiphany and part of why I’m writing this.

I hope by writing my feelings and memories of where they came from down, will help me. If anyone else reads my posts and gains something from them even better. This is a personal journey im sharing with whoever finds it. On the surface somebody doesn’t look like they have the mental, emotional, painful, insecure, tormenting, life halting inner life going on every day from waking to sleeping (or not most nights). You cant see it, its so easy to hide it even from yourself. This is my diary of hindsight to help me gain insight into how my future can be once i accept myself, where Ive been, what ive felt and where its lead me. I hope i can continue this journey, I’ve made the first step now finally. I feel im ready.

Im looking forward to seeing what this develops into…

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