So since I last posted, I’ve been trying to block my thoughts out with the usual self destruct methods people use, lots of alcohol. I’ve come to realise that the reason I so easily fall into the same trap time and time again, is because I don’t feel real. I feel like an imposter in my own body.
such a feeling is referred to as Depersonalisation disorder. The overwhelming feeling you are not a real person. I feel I’ve always been different, but lately I just don’t feel. I look in the mirror and see a stranger, like I’ve landed in the wrong body and I can hear the thoughts and actions of my host clearly and still know it’s not me.
I had a mental breakdown a week ago. I was suicidal. I have a daughter, she is my protective factor, so i could never take the easy route out. But i found myself obsessing over ways i could end my life and worse still the fact that nobody would even care. I thought it would be days before anyone found my body likely hanging from the sturdiest ceiling light i could find because nobody even bothers to get in touch anymore.
Depression is a wicked hurtful and destructive emotion. It makes you see bad in everything. It’s a selfish emotion driven by a scorned ego, without you even realising it. If we had no ego, we would have no depression. My ego wanted out. It convinced me i was alone, i was worthless, i wasnt real and i shouldnt live this lie anymore.
I was hurt by people i had trusted, i now see they shouldnt be in my life anymore anyway. I walked to the docks at 5am alone, and when i got there it was so peaceful. There was just the occasional familiar seagull squawk overhead, and i sat looking at the river. It was calm. It was still. The sun was rising behind me. I sat and watched the still water for an hour. I thought of jumping in. It was only a thought though, although it repeated instantaneously every time i fought it. I couldnt do it. I have my daughter. She saved me once, and she will keep on saving me. This i realised. It was then i turned a corner, the black bleak foggy cloud had a tiny break in it. I had realised i had reached ultimate rock bottom, the lowest i could or have ever been before. The realisation of this made me begin to muster up some inner strength i needed to begin the battle against my depression, against my self loathing ego and begin on the (highly likely) long road to recovering from the most emotionally difficult, selfish and life changing period of my life.