Breakdown and ending it all

This is difficult to write but I think it will be good therapy for me, so here goes…

Last Monday, I had every intention of ending my life. I had a rope, I was going to hang myself. I didn’t see any other option. I felt like the world would be better without me and I’d be better without all this pain and torment im in every day. I wanted out. I wrote a long letter explaining it to my family. Just as I was doing this a friend messaged me asking if I was ok. I said I wasnt but I was sorry then turned off my phone, bolted my front door and cried. I then cleaned up as I didn’t want to be found in a mess, even that sounds crazy to me. I then started figuring out where to put the rope where it wouldn’t snap.

The next thing two of my friends came hammering on my door and I tried ignoring them but they’d of kicked the door in anyway. They seen the cuts id already done on my arms. I’d done this to try and feel something. I’ve never self harmed before. I felt nothing doing it. I didn’t feel real anymore. As though I was watching a movie of someone else’s life. I cant figure out what’s real and what’s a dream anymore.

My friends seen what id done to my arms, I was hysterical and cant remember much about what happened next except i kept saying “i just dont wanna be here anymore, i dont wanna be here anymore”. It was the most soul shattering painful moment of utter despair and anguish ive ever experienced and i would never wish that intensity of confusion, self loathing, despair and loss of any sense of self on any other person ever.

My friends must have contacted my parents, as the next I knew my mum was there and I cried again. I felt numb, I still felt like I wanted to die. My parents took me home. The next day they took me to A&E where I seen the mental health crisis team. I spoke about things I didn’t even realise I was holding inside. I got some relief from it but still have these thoughts of suicide. 

I seen a consultant  psychitrist yesterday. We chatted for 2 hours, I didn’t think I had so much to say!! My diagnosis is recurrent severe depression. I have a care plan in place now and I just need to take each day at a time and speak about my suicidal thoughts. One of my problems is I’ve been hiding this so well for years im finding talking so hard. 

Writing this down has actually been a bit of a release.  I intend on documenting my recovery on here so I can look back and see where I was, where I am and where I want to be.

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2 thoughts on “Breakdown and ending it all

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  1. I dont know if you caught my video on suicidal stigmas but you are not alone thats for sure! I have felt all of those things, esp. the movie. Every time the chaos of my suicidal thoughts gets to intense, i dissociate and float outside. I think it must be some weird biological protection mode because I have talked to many about this same feeling. Glad your support was there for you ❤️❤️❤️ #staystrongwarrior

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