GLAD I’m Alive today

​I spent the last few days in my mum and dads while I’ve started on medication. I’ve been prescribed Venlafaxine 75mg for 5 days, then it’s doubling on day 5 to 150mg, half morning half night. I’ve also been given a 7 day course of Diazepam to calm me and help me sleep.
An apt expression is that going on medication is a bitter pill to swallow. I’m not the biggest advocate of mental health medications or even some medications for a variety of physical conditions but that’s for another post. However, medication  was not coerced or recommended. I was involved in my care plan and it was me that suggested part of my recovery will likely involve medication amongst other elements. Also pointing out that the first line medications had not worked for me in the past which was a concern. So anyway, I’m now on day 4. I’ll probably discuss my care plan another day.

I’ve not had any severe side effects upto now. My short term memory has gone extremely poor, and its never been the greatest anyway. I’m that friend everyone has who loses their keys for an hour and they’re in her hand. But this is worse, im hoping it doesn’t get any worse when I increase dose tomorrow. Other side effect is very mild nausea on waking, dry mouth and loss of appetite. All manageable completely.

I’m feeling calm today. I’ve been listening to music, which I haven’t done unless a friend has been in mine for months. I’m back in my own apartment today. I’ve also kept busy by organising and tidying.

I’ve started opening up fully to my close family and friends about how I’ve been feeling for the majority of this year, and even longer. It’s been beyond difficult to begin to finally open up. Everytime I do, I have to get past those uncomfortable initial words to describe aspects of my depression having to ease the person listening in. Ive hidden it so well it’s a shock to everyone the depth and severity of it. However, releasing dark unspeakable  (so i thought) emotions that I’ve managed to bury deep inside is helping me. It’s helping my support network understand and it’s going to be a major factor in my recovery.

7 days ago I wanted to end my life

I’m still here, I want to get better. I am mentally ill and I can be helped. That’s what I want. I want to see a future. Writing this down is helping me so much.

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