Doped up…but not dead 👏

The double dose of medication has wiped me out today. Woozy is an understatement. If it was for any other aspect of my depression,  aside from helping me relinquish suicidal thoughts and my actions last week, I probably would have opposed the idea of pharmaceutical treatment. But I know at this point it’s something that is helping me. I also know it’s not for everyone. Maybe that’s why I’m writing about it.

I cant say I’m not calmer because I definitely am. I’m feeling quite useless though really, a few years ago I worked in A&E as a nurse, very hectic and always on the ball helping save many lives and help people in distress. In striking comparison, today’s achievment was that I walked to a shop round the corner for a packet of cigarettes without looking up from the floor except to cross one road.

It’s bizarre how much your life can change because of a mental health condition. 

I suppose it’s the same for physical conditions, but a man with an oxygen tank on his back with COPD wouldn’t be seen as rude for not holding a door open. Someone with anxiety for example could just be trying to escape as quickly as possible.

I almost became a mental health nurse strangely enough. My first year of nurse training was in mental health. I’ve been thinking about so much today it’s been a tough day. But still no suicidal thoughts so I feel like I’m winning.

My sister is a holistic therapist, so I’m going to have a warm bath with a few drops of Clary Sage in it. It’s an essential oil and helps with depression. I’m up for anything. Then hopefully I’ll sleep longer tonight, even with Diazepam I only got 4 hours last night and that was 4 hours of disturbing dreams.

I’m telling myself this is the beginning of the healing process and every day will be a challenge. Today is almost done. 

I’m grateful im here.