I’m finding it difficult at the moment to understand my emotions. I’d say I’m up and down. I’ve always been quite spiritual and I guess I’d describe myself as agnostic if I had to tick a box on a form. However I’m struggling with everything internally in my mind. I believe this is likely a consequence of the ego part of me having difficulty coming to terms with the fact I was going to end my life recently.
I’ve been starting to feel so much pain and guilt for those around me, those who love me, those who found me in that state when I was completely taken over by the need not to exist anymore on this level, in this life.
It’s like a new beginning. I’ve always had a fascination with the mythical phoenix, which is reborn from its own ashes. This is also a symbol related to my sun sign Scorpio, and I’ve always been able to pull myself back and rise again no matter how low ive got or how tough life has gotten for me. I even have a large phoenix tattoo on my body to remind me of this when I look in a mirror. The trouble is, when I’m looking in a mirror I don’t know who I am seeing. Is this the start of a rebirth in my life? I feel it may well be. But where do I go from here? Friends and family are saying not to worry about it right now, to focus on getting better. I feel a bit helpless over my future and this is definitely hindering my recovery. I’ll discuss it with my psychiatric team tomorrow.
I’ve also not been sleeping well, and have been wracked with fatigue and general disinterest. It’s like the medication perked me up initially, and although I know it’s going to take time, im just longing to be a part of life again. It’s my mind that’s hindering me. It’s like living in a prison in my head some days. I’m not suicidal now. But the after effects of it are starting to hit home. I’m feeling a bit lost.
Does everyone feel this way who’s survived a suicide attempt I wonder? Could this be all part of my recovery? Facing these demons and riding the emotional waves of depression until I can look in the mirror and see the person I truly am? Or will this last forever?
Having a down few days, but still fighting on….