Feel like I’m losing myself

So I’ve just been to see my psychiatrist. He is such a nice guy, and has a good way of getting things out my head. I’ve been so lethargic, and mentally fatigued lately I had a melt down when I was there. Said i was feeling hopeless and pathetic. I’m a registered nurse, not currently employed as my breaking point was slow and part of it was leaving my job, without anything else in place. I couldn’t handle other people’s heart ache and needed out ASAP.Now I’m on the flip side, going to have to be assessed for sickness benefits. Being treated in hospital instead of helping people with their own treatment and care plans. It’s so difficult to get my head round. I feel like such a failure in life. He said I have problems accepting my achievements and need to look at what I have with more perspective. 

I’m a single parent, I trained to be a nurse when my daughter was 9 months old. I’ve always wanted her to have someone to look up to and be proud of. I’ve never been unemployed or needed any support from her father who doesn’t even bother with her. Its just i cant help feel like such a failure as a mother right now. I’m not even sure if I’ll be able to keep my nurse registration due to severity of the depression. 

Hes upping my medication, so by Monday I’ll be on the maximum dose. I hope it works or I may need a mood stabiliser. Which I’d prefer not to. I’ve been getting dark thoughts. Not suicidal, just strange thoughts though of death and seeing myself dead. I don’t want to die, I just want this horrible part of my brain to stop tormenting me! 
But I will struggle every day for myself, for my daughter, for my friends and for my family. 

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7 thoughts on “Feel like I’m losing myself

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  1. I hesitate to do the Pollyanna shit where I seem as if I am spouting generic nonsense, but man, currently employed or not- a registered nurse! One of the most selfless and vital professions one can enter, truly. To absorb the energy of ailing people because you want to help heal them is absolutely something to be proud of- no question. It is a giant heart or a cold machine that enters that field, and only one of those types could remain unaffected. Your humanity and caring nature is profoundly inspiring for a little girl to grow up with. I know I am a stranger but you are going to be that epic super hero in your daughters eyes, single-handed raising her, a trained healer who is maintaining a straight walk through the fog of this mental funk! I hope these don’t sound like empty words but your daughter will absolutely be proud of you. We are all different, yes, yes- but I tell you in earnest- I sensed the mental illness that was rampant in my family in my mother when I was young, but I FELT the love and if anything, that thing I sensed sharpened my vibe-feeling abilities (this is a thing, I will argue it to death) and straight up, when my mom could get out of bed and make me a pancake peanut butter and jelly sandwich because she just couldn’t bring herself to walk into a neon fluorescent hell for bread- I was proud of her and that creative damn sandwich that all the kids were looking sideways at. I hope this sandwich analogy doesn’t come off as belittling of what you are going through- your words just reminded me of things my mother has told me about her feelings later in life, when I was an adult-and I just so vividly remember my take on it at the time was, “MY mom makes exotic sandwiches. Fuck your Twinkie.” Kids are a little bit magic. They can sift through what you are struggling with, and the love you give them completely makes you as tall as the Statue of Liberty. I ramble and my grammar is atrocious. I was simply compelled to voice my awe at someone who has the heart in them to want to nurse.

    Liked by 1 person

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