So I’ve just been to see my psychiatrist. He is such a nice guy, and has a good way of getting things out my head. I’ve been so lethargic, and mentally fatigued lately I had a melt down when I was there. Said i was feeling hopeless and pathetic. I’m a registered nurse, not currently employed as my breaking point was slow and part of it was leaving my job, without anything else in place. I couldn’t handle other people’s heart ache and needed out ASAP.Now I’m on the flip side, going to have to be assessed for sickness benefits. Being treated in hospital instead of helping people with their own treatment and care plans. It’s so difficult to get my head round. I feel like such a failure in life. He said I have problems accepting my achievements and need to look at what I have with more perspective.
I’m a single parent, I trained to be a nurse when my daughter was 9 months old. I’ve always wanted her to have someone to look up to and be proud of. I’ve never been unemployed or needed any support from her father who doesn’t even bother with her. Its just i cant help feel like such a failure as a mother right now. I’m not even sure if I’ll be able to keep my nurse registration due to severity of the depression.
Hes upping my medication, so by Monday I’ll be on the maximum dose. I hope it works or I may need a mood stabiliser. Which I’d prefer not to. I’ve been getting dark thoughts. Not suicidal, just strange thoughts though of death and seeing myself dead. I don’t want to die, I just want this horrible part of my brain to stop tormenting me!
But I will struggle every day for myself, for my daughter, for my friends and for my family.