I’m still feeling lost. I’m here still, a piece of me holding on, inside the blank auto pilot exterior i seem to be running on at the moment. I have hope that this piece of me will begin to grow and fight back harder soon. It’s tough though, very tough, to rebuild yourself from broken pieces and parts of you that have been worn down over time and neglect of your inner self and true emotions.
I seen my psychiatrist today, he feels he would have liked to have seen a bit more improvement in my mood. I have very negative thoughts and seem to run with them, and spend hours ruminating over my self worth and self loathing. He feels a mood stabiliser may help with this, and we’re meeting next week to discuss further if this oncoming week brings no further improvement.
I’ve had a few bad days over the past week or so. Questioning so much about myself. All so negative. My self esteem is extremely low, I know this and can see this. However, despite knowing I feel stuck in a trap still. I want to get on with my life and just be, well normal. To feel happy or at least content. To feel proud to be me.
So many people have said they’re proud of me, for facing my demons and getting the help I need. Maybe I’m just trying to run before I can walk, as my psychiatrist put it. This will take time, and as I’m not working right now, I do have plenty of that. It’s so hard to just do normal things and speak to people. I feel my depression has taken over my life. It seems to be all people talk to me about lately. Asking how I am, which, don’t get me wrong I appreciate, but there’s not much more to speak of because I’m not actively doing anything. This in itself is saddening.
I just need to give myself time to heal. I’m impatient, and my impatience is not helping my situation. I’m hoping I have more good days this week