Forgive me, for its been 4 months since my last confession

IMG_20170202_163919_548Wow, 4 months have passed since i last wrote on here. Thats crazy! Really 4 months? Just after my suicide attempt, i had so many things i needed to get out of my head, and writing on here made me feel at least someone somewhere was reading it. It wasnt a wasted evacuation of such strong emotion.

I actually genuinely cannot remember most of November or December. Weird that isnt it! I had several medication changes though, but also used alcohol as a coping mechanism a bit. Worst thing was i convinced friends i was fine. I have a knack of doing that, always have. That is likely why i stopped my therapeutic posts. Then January happened…in another blur…depressed, anxious, maybe bipolar, keep it together, this is your year, you shouldn’t have been saved, life is good, life needs to end, im an amazing person, im the scum off your shoe. Worst roller coaster ever!!

In my previous posts i pointed out i had a really good rapport with my psychiatrist. However, being NHS care, he had gone above and beyond by keeping me in his care. The Access team is hospital based, and usually, unless the patient/client has a need to be admitted, they refer to the community care team. I asked not to be, because i find it hard opening up. Im also a nurse, so maybe i had some professional respect for this to happen. He was convinced he would be able to help me within a month or so, i had to be discharged and referred on in January. I actually felt like i had somehow let him down! Crazy? But he could see my rational, well educated, intelligent side, and i wasnt previously known to mental health secondary care.

Then someome close said that i wasnt defined by my mental illness, and maybe i was starting to get used to the attention from people after the said (almost) hanging incident. That i wasnt defined by it and i was probably alot better than i thought i was. Fair comment….i for one thought, am i loving the attention? Was i?? Im an introvert by nature though….

I dont really like attention unless i draw it to myself, which is usually only if im drunk. Labels follow people. I could have lots nurse, single, single mum, depressed, anxious, mentally ill, suicidal, then in my head…attention seeker, selfish, evil.

I have my next appointment with now my 3rd psychiatrist next week. I need it. I start drinking wine when im feeling like i dont belong here. I’ve done it alot lately. Its so hard to talk to people who arent or havent been through it.

Am i just insane?

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