Forgive me, for its been 4 months since my last confession

IMG_20170202_163919_548Wow, 4 months have passed since i last wrote on here. Thats crazy! Really 4 months? Just after my suicide attempt, i had so many things i needed to get out of my head, and writing on here made me feel at least someone somewhere was reading it. It wasnt a wasted evacuation of such strong emotion.

I actually genuinely cannot remember most of November or December. Weird that isnt it! I had several medication changes though, but also used alcohol as a coping mechanism a bit. Worst thing was i convinced friends i was fine. I have a knack of doing that, always have. That is likely why i stopped my therapeutic posts. Then January happened…in another blur…depressed, anxious, maybe bipolar, keep it together, this is your year, you shouldn’t have been saved, life is good, life needs to end, im an amazing person, im the scum off your shoe. Worst roller coaster ever!!

In my previous posts i pointed out i had a really good rapport with my psychiatrist. However, being NHS care, he had gone above and beyond by keeping me in his care. The Access team is hospital based, and usually, unless the patient/client has a need to be admitted, they refer to the community care team. I asked not to be, because i find it hard opening up. Im also a nurse, so maybe i had some professional respect for this to happen. He was convinced he would be able to help me within a month or so, i had to be discharged and referred on in January. I actually felt like i had somehow let him down! Crazy? But he could see my rational, well educated, intelligent side, and i wasnt previously known to mental health secondary care.

Then someome close said that i wasnt defined by my mental illness, and maybe i was starting to get used to the attention from people after the said (almost) hanging incident. That i wasnt defined by it and i was probably alot better than i thought i was. Fair comment….i for one thought, am i loving the attention? Was i?? Im an introvert by nature though….

I dont really like attention unless i draw it to myself, which is usually only if im drunk. Labels follow people. I could have lots nurse, single, single mum, depressed, anxious, mentally ill, suicidal, then in my head…attention seeker, selfish, evil.

I have my next appointment with now my 3rd psychiatrist next week. I need it. I start drinking wine when im feeling like i dont belong here. I’ve done it alot lately. Its so hard to talk to people who arent or havent been through it.

Am i just insane?

And here comes the anxiety, oh joy ☹

​Communication between GP and mental health teams needs to be improved vastly. Or maybe this is just my GP surgery.  I cant praise the mental health team enough as they are promptly sending requests for my prescriptions to the GP surgery. However every time I call to ensure its been prescribed they are denying receipt. I then have to contact my psychiatrists secretary who then confirms she has not only faxed a request, but ensured it has been received by phone. 

I was informed today my prescription was ready when I called, it took me 2 hours of anxiety related  procrastination to eventually leave my home. Having arrived at the GP surgery, only a short walk away thankfully, the reception staff then denied all knowledge and went a step further blatantly lying and stated there had been NO communication with the mental health team about this.

This also happened last week, but the issue was dealt with over the phone I hadn’t actually made a foreboding journey before the discovery.

I find it both saddening and infuriating that they can treat a vulnerable person in this manner. I had to call the psychitrist secretary, on my mobile, while at the GP reception desk and pass the phone over for it to be dealt with.

Then sat almost an hour, looking at my feet and deep breathing, before i was able to get the prescription. Incidentally a request was faxed over at 10am yesterday.

This is appalling service. When I’ve attended over physical matters I’ve never had any problems. It’s made me ponder the issue that reception staff in GP settings ought to be educated more about the vulnerability of mental health patients and how to deal sensitively with people in these circumstances.

I had to have the whole conversation in a waiting room full of other patients, not once was i offered to speak in a private room. All this has done is make my irrationality about going out more rational, a classic example I would suggest, to support the theory of operant conditioning (behaviourist theory by Skinner). I also see the paradox of an irrational (to some) anxiety now seems more rational, when it still remains irrational!

I was going to attempt to go into a shop on my own after getting my medication. But instead I rushed home as fast as I could to feel more secure, I can cope without milk and bread.

It’s so easy to be set back by one negative experience. It’s highlighted to me just how vulnerable I really am right now, and that there’s definitely a long road ahead for me.

Another day down, anyway as I finally got a prescription which is for Zopiclone, I may finally get an uninterrupted full nights sleep tonight as exhaustion is definitely exhausting.

Fighting on…..

Feel like I’m losing myself

So I’ve just been to see my psychiatrist. He is such a nice guy, and has a good way of getting things out my head. I’ve been so lethargic, and mentally fatigued lately I had a melt down when I was there. Said i was feeling hopeless and pathetic. I’m a registered nurse, not currently employed as my breaking point was slow and part of it was leaving my job, without anything else in place. I couldn’t handle other people’s heart ache and needed out ASAP.Now I’m on the flip side, going to have to be assessed for sickness benefits. Being treated in hospital instead of helping people with their own treatment and care plans. It’s so difficult to get my head round. I feel like such a failure in life. He said I have problems accepting my achievements and need to look at what I have with more perspective. 

I’m a single parent, I trained to be a nurse when my daughter was 9 months old. I’ve always wanted her to have someone to look up to and be proud of. I’ve never been unemployed or needed any support from her father who doesn’t even bother with her. Its just i cant help feel like such a failure as a mother right now. I’m not even sure if I’ll be able to keep my nurse registration due to severity of the depression. 

Hes upping my medication, so by Monday I’ll be on the maximum dose. I hope it works or I may need a mood stabiliser. Which I’d prefer not to. I’ve been getting dark thoughts. Not suicidal, just strange thoughts though of death and seeing myself dead. I don’t want to die, I just want this horrible part of my brain to stop tormenting me! 
But I will struggle every day for myself, for my daughter, for my friends and for my family. 

Hoping I’m a Phoenix 🔥

​I’m finding it difficult at the moment to understand my emotions. I’d say I’m up and down. I’ve always been quite spiritual and I guess I’d describe myself as agnostic if I had to tick a box on a form. However I’m struggling with everything internally in my mind. I believe this is likely a consequence of the ego part of me having difficulty coming to terms with the fact I was going to end my life recently. 

I’ve been starting to feel so much pain and guilt for those around me, those who love me, those who found me in that state when I was completely taken over by the need not to exist anymore on this level, in this life. 

It’s like a new beginning. I’ve always had a fascination with the mythical phoenix, which is reborn from its own ashes. This is also a symbol related to my sun sign Scorpio, and I’ve always been able to pull myself back and rise again no matter how low ive got or how tough life has gotten for me. I even have a large phoenix tattoo on my body to remind me of this when I look in a mirror. The trouble is, when I’m looking in a mirror I don’t know who I am seeing. Is this the start of a rebirth in my life? I feel it may well be. But where do I go from here? Friends and family are saying not to worry about it right now, to focus on getting better. I feel a bit helpless over my future and this is definitely hindering my recovery. I’ll discuss it with my psychiatric team tomorrow.

I’ve also not been sleeping well, and have been wracked with fatigue and general disinterest. It’s like the medication perked me up initially, and although I know it’s going to take time, im just longing to be a part of life again. It’s my mind that’s hindering me. It’s like living in a prison in my head some days. I’m not suicidal now. But the after effects of it are starting to hit home. I’m feeling a bit lost. 

Does everyone feel this way who’s survived a suicide attempt I wonder? Could this be all part of my recovery? Facing these demons and riding the emotional waves of depression until I can look in the mirror and see the person I truly am? Or will this last forever? 

Having a down few days, but still fighting on….

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