Forgive me, for its been 4 months since my last confession

IMG_20170202_163919_548Wow, 4 months have passed since i last wrote on here. Thats crazy! Really 4 months? Just after my suicide attempt, i had so many things i needed to get out of my head, and writing on here made me feel at least someone somewhere was reading it. It wasnt a wasted evacuation of such strong emotion.

I actually genuinely cannot remember most of November or December. Weird that isnt it! I had several medication changes though, but also used alcohol as a coping mechanism a bit. Worst thing was i convinced friends i was fine. I have a knack of doing that, always have. That is likely why i stopped my therapeutic posts. Then January happened…in another blur…depressed, anxious, maybe bipolar, keep it together, this is your year, you shouldn’t have been saved, life is good, life needs to end, im an amazing person, im the scum off your shoe. Worst roller coaster ever!!

In my previous posts i pointed out i had a really good rapport with my psychiatrist. However, being NHS care, he had gone above and beyond by keeping me in his care. The Access team is hospital based, and usually, unless the patient/client has a need to be admitted, they refer to the community care team. I asked not to be, because i find it hard opening up. Im also a nurse, so maybe i had some professional respect for this to happen. He was convinced he would be able to help me within a month or so, i had to be discharged and referred on in January. I actually felt like i had somehow let him down! Crazy? But he could see my rational, well educated, intelligent side, and i wasnt previously known to mental health secondary care.

Then someome close said that i wasnt defined by my mental illness, and maybe i was starting to get used to the attention from people after the said (almost) hanging incident. That i wasnt defined by it and i was probably alot better than i thought i was. Fair comment….i for one thought, am i loving the attention? Was i?? Im an introvert by nature though….

I dont really like attention unless i draw it to myself, which is usually only if im drunk. Labels follow people. I could have lots nurse, single, single mum, depressed, anxious, mentally ill, suicidal, then in my head…attention seeker, selfish, evil.

I have my next appointment with now my 3rd psychiatrist next week. I need it. I start drinking wine when im feeling like i dont belong here. I’ve done it alot lately. Its so hard to talk to people who arent or havent been through it.

Am i just insane?

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A rare moment of creativity 🌟

Severe Depression: It is what it is

Today I’m glad I’m here alive,
But what do I feel is a question,
I know I’m planning to survive,
Accepting any suggestion.

I’m tired, thinking all the time,
But of what I do not know,
I’ve always said that I’ve been fine,
Pretending like a show.

Its time to face the demons now,
I’ve always hidden them well,
Accept the help to show me how,
I need to escape this hell.

Small steps taken every day,
Acknowledge my illness is real,
Finally I can admit and say,
I need time and help to heal.


Original
poem

By
 Clarissa Strickland

What goes up must come down

So I’ve just had an exceptionally good weekend away with friends. I’m in a bad place right now. I am actually off work with depression, and have been telling my friends I just wanted a break from work and I’ve managed to convince my doctor I’m depressed. 

THE TRUTH IS I AM DEPRESSED

 However, i have managed a weekend forgetting and being distracted from it. I’ve felt amazing, connecting with new interesting people and smiling genuinely for days. I’m home now, alone again, and its feeling very lonely and dark.
The problem now is I need to deal with the come down from being so genuinely happy aswell as the inherent depression I’ve been trying to hide from people. I’ve mentioned I’m low to a few friends, but then brushed over it. I’m usually quite open but its always after the fact. So they’ll only know when I’ve dragged myself up again as I know in my heart I will do. But this feeling of emptiness and isolation is horrible and hard to even write and put into words. The only ones who would understand are those who’ve experienced it.

I have to stay strong as I’m a single mum and my child is more important than anything I’m feeling. So I suppose I’m writing this post to try and cleanse the intensity of my emotions so I can smile in the morning and pretend to the world, and more importantly my daughter, that I’m fine.

 

 

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