Forgive me, for its been 4 months since my last confession

IMG_20170202_163919_548Wow, 4 months have passed since i last wrote on here. Thats crazy! Really 4 months? Just after my suicide attempt, i had so many things i needed to get out of my head, and writing on here made me feel at least someone somewhere was reading it. It wasnt a wasted evacuation of such strong emotion.

I actually genuinely cannot remember most of November or December. Weird that isnt it! I had several medication changes though, but also used alcohol as a coping mechanism a bit. Worst thing was i convinced friends i was fine. I have a knack of doing that, always have. That is likely why i stopped my therapeutic posts. Then January happened…in another blur…depressed, anxious, maybe bipolar, keep it together, this is your year, you shouldn’t have been saved, life is good, life needs to end, im an amazing person, im the scum off your shoe. Worst roller coaster ever!!

In my previous posts i pointed out i had a really good rapport with my psychiatrist. However, being NHS care, he had gone above and beyond by keeping me in his care. The Access team is hospital based, and usually, unless the patient/client has a need to be admitted, they refer to the community care team. I asked not to be, because i find it hard opening up. Im also a nurse, so maybe i had some professional respect for this to happen. He was convinced he would be able to help me within a month or so, i had to be discharged and referred on in January. I actually felt like i had somehow let him down! Crazy? But he could see my rational, well educated, intelligent side, and i wasnt previously known to mental health secondary care.

Then someome close said that i wasnt defined by my mental illness, and maybe i was starting to get used to the attention from people after the said (almost) hanging incident. That i wasnt defined by it and i was probably alot better than i thought i was. Fair comment….i for one thought, am i loving the attention? Was i?? Im an introvert by nature though….

I dont really like attention unless i draw it to myself, which is usually only if im drunk. Labels follow people. I could have lots nurse, single, single mum, depressed, anxious, mentally ill, suicidal, then in my head…attention seeker, selfish, evil.

I have my next appointment with now my 3rd psychiatrist next week. I need it. I start drinking wine when im feeling like i dont belong here. I’ve done it alot lately. Its so hard to talk to people who arent or havent been through it.

Am i just insane?

This is my journey of understanding

The sun is always shining behind the clouds no matter what weather we deal with before we get to see it.

I’m at a point in my life where I  have reached a kind of basic level of understanding for why I have reached the place I’m at now. I’m not in a bad place, nor is it the best right now. It’s been a rollercoaster, and I’ve never understood it fully though I’ve done a damned good job of pretending I have. It’s time for me to be fully aware, and I know the only way forward on this journey is to write about it. Write the memories, thoughts, feelings as they pop into my overly anxious head. Maybe playing it all out this way will help me. I was diagnosed with PTSD almost 11 years ago. I have lived with it and pretended I was fine after diagnosis…believed I was fine. I haven’t been fine. I’ve used it to help other people at the detriment of myself. People who know me think im strong. People are shocked when I open up about my anxiety, which can be so debilitating its difficult to get out of bed. I force myself for my daughter, and the strength I show her even when I feel i can’t is the same I paint to most people this is my talent. I can fake I am not in a battle with emotional torture to those around me so well, that I’ve convinced myself at so many times over the years. The truth is I am my own worst enemy. My inner dialogue can be so abusive to myself. An abuse that isn’t discussed as the perpetrator is you. Abusers hide things well. People living with anxiety and depression who don’t want people to know can have this same characteristic. This is a recent epiphany and part of why I’m writing this.

I hope by writing my feelings and memories of where they came from down, will help me. If anyone else reads my posts and gains something from them even better. This is a personal journey im sharing with whoever finds it. On the surface somebody doesn’t look like they have the mental, emotional, painful, insecure, tormenting, life halting inner life going on every day from waking to sleeping (or not most nights). You cant see it, its so easy to hide it even from yourself. This is my diary of hindsight to help me gain insight into how my future can be once i accept myself, where Ive been, what ive felt and where its lead me. I hope i can continue this journey, I’ve made the first step now finally. I feel im ready.

Im looking forward to seeing what this develops into…

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